So since I'm going through many changes lately (moving home, breaking up with BF etc...), I've decided to document the lessons I'm learning- and re-learning- here on my blog.

I have a general feeling of empowerment, sprinkled with moments of deep sadness and regret. Why regret? Well, it seems I have made the same 'mistake' more than once- with regards to my love life. I rush in because of all the amazing feelings I have for said boy, and then I realize that maybe we're not that compatible. By then I feel obliged to stay the course and bust my ass trying to make it work. Which only results in me forgetting about myself and drowning my personality in the 'others' needs. Mind you, I see clearly my fault in this behavior. Making the other person somewhat dependent on my catering ways, until it becomes unbearable for me to continue. And then I must end it, which inevitably results in their shock and pain. So, what I'm really saying is: One should never be untrue to themselves, no matter how uncomfortable or painful it may be to reveal. It is ALWAYS better to be expressive in the moment. You avoid delaying and prolonging situations that don't need any extension. Nip it in the bud. Better yet, take more time before plunging into a relationship that may not be the best fit for you. The funny thing is, I've thought these thoughts before. But, this time I feel truly committed to following my own rules. To be 100% authentic and truthful, no matter what. I will not chase any man. I will not. I will not make the first move. I will not. Now, perhaps this sounds a little archaic. But, you know what? I want to see what a man is made of. Are they courageous? Are they upfront? Do their actions and words match? I want to know that someone will fight for me, and WITH me if necessary. Will they challenge me intellectually and spiritually? Will they have a strong enough ego to deal with my criticisms as well? Love is about courage. And the fire to fight for what is best in each other.

Poems...

I've decided to post some of my poems. Mostly old ones...its been a while.

PURITY DISEASE
in the midst of ease
and, purity disease
i find it hard to breathe
through the thickness
of Falsity
that seems to envelop me
developing
a sense
of what Should
and Shouldn't be.
walls are raised
only to be praised
as what is Right
fights
with what Is
i mind my biz
keeping my wits
'cuz
the sky is falling
and My god
is calling
from the Outside
to the Inside
where
glitches in the Matrix
fuck with my eyes
causing me to wonder
what my ceiling
is Concealing
and what to believe in.
giving way to the Intangible
demanding
that i find my Role
amidst all this Chaos
i deepen my thoughts
enabling me to See
that
God is Humanity
and all we have is
We.
grief stricken
i listen
to echoes of Hatred
uttered by the Unknown
against our Own
killing each other
softly
with words of Abuse
and profuse
Profanities
causing Dis-Ease
among the Tribe
as we try to gather
our Wits
and our I's

- 2002

Sprawled

Here I am, sprawled on the floor. This was one of the best nights I've had in a long while. After partaking of some lovely 'silly-sibens', my besties and I boogied the night away- just the three of us. It felt like a coming home. Like reconnecting with my authentic self and celebrating the love I have for my beautiful friends. Not to mention my fab bronze sneakers. Man, it feels good to be back...

its been a while...

Here I am sitting at my desk (at work) wondering about life and how exciting change can be. Will be moving home in just over a month, and am actually quite happy about it. The newness of home is interesting. Anyhow, just felt like writing SOMETHING, since I've been neglecting this blog for...way too long. Oh well. No one reads this shit anyway...